Friends for life

How can friends help you to have a successful retirement? Regular columnist and Retirement Coach Dr Jon Glass explores the value of friendship over time.

By Jon Glass - 3 min read

A little about Jon

Dr Jon Glass* runs retirement coaching business 64PLUS. He coaches individuals to a clearer understanding of the issues they will face post work. He has studied counselling and coaching at The Australian College of Applied Psychology and The Institute of Executive Coaching and Leadership.

A successful retirement often rests on the platform of a sound financial base. Having a plan for good physical health is also useful. But as my previous articles have described, there are other important aspects of a flourishing retirement. These relate to our emotional lives, rather than our financial or physical lives. 

I think of retirement this way: when people retire, they cross a bridge from their working life into their retired life. I’ve used this symbol in an earlier article called What will you miss about work?. Notice the way in which the bridge highlights how you move from place to place—you can bring some things with you but others you will leave behind.

This concept can apply to friendships at various stages of our lives. Whatever your job was, you almost certainly had colleagues who constituted a network of social connections for you. Some were friends, others you could banter with, and some you maybe didn’t like.

At the top of this article, we posed the question: how can friends help you to have a successful retirement? The answer is that when we leave those work-related social networks behind, friends can fill the hole.

But here is the fundamental question: what is the magic ingredient that allows you to replace that network once you have retired? You may have guessed. In retired life, you will have an abundance of free time that you didn’t have when you worked. With this gift of free time, you can engage more often with friends to:

• get to know them better
• do fun stuff together
• share ideas and opinions. 

Here are five ‘friend’ questions for you to think about. I hope they stimulate thoughts for you about your friendships.

What do you think is the difference between a close friend and an acquaintance? 

I don’t believe there is an answer to this question, but there is Dunbar’s hypothesis. This theory, put forward by British anthropoligist Robin Dunbar in the 1990s, claims that each person may have up to 150 people with whom they can maintain a social relationship. What does that mean? Dunbar explains this in the following informal way. If you happened upon that person by chance in a bar or cafe, you would likely join them for a drink. These are your acquaintances.

So, what is a close friend? For some people this is a person you spend lots of time with and can share personal thoughts (and expect them to listen to you!). What do you believe? Maybe you’ve never had the time to reflect on this, but in retirement you can.

When did you last make a new friend? 

This is highly relevant for retired people as they will lose ageing friends over time (sadly) yet not have a natural way to make new friends. Think about the last time you made a new friend. How did you form that friendship? Perhaps it was through a club, or a course you took, or through a new online community, in which case you can repeat the process to expand your social network.

If you have a partner, how often are the two of you friends with another couple?

This question won’t apply to every reader. What I notice amongst my retirement coaching clients is a trend for male clients to leave it up to their partners to organise their social lives. This is sometimes a consequence of how, for men, sociability can get sacrificed on the altar of work. If that happens over decades, then friendships can fall away. If this is you, whichever partner you are, are you happy with this arrangement? If not, what could you do to change?

Do you want more or fewer friends?

I love this question. On its face, it seems silly, as if friendship needs to be a competition or a matter for boasting. That said, the question may open the gates to a meditation on the role that friends play in your life: 

• the help, joy and comfort that friends give you
• how much of your ‘time budget’ they take up 
• the amount of emotional energy in your ‘friendship budget’.

I’m not suggesting you create a spreadsheet for this, but it’s worth some thought. You can use your discoveries to guide how you dedicate your time—whether that means fostering new friendships or setting boundaries with existing acquaintances. 

Are you the person who mainly organises get-togethers or not, or does it vary with each friend?

I divide the world into two groups: those who organise (the organisers) and those who are organised (the organisees). A simple point is that organisers quickly realise that the organisees will often relax into that role knowing that they don’t need to exert effort. Are you OK with your role? If not, it might be time to say or do something to change the situation.

Friendship is quite a complex concept. Hopefully, unpacking some of the intricacies can give it some practical substance to help you to build and maintain friendships for a happier retirement.

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* The opinions expressed are those of Dr Jon Glass and 64Plus. Russell Investments does not endorse, and is not accountable for, any views expressed by Dr Jon Glass or 64Plus.

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